Breaking News: North Korea Declares War on U.S., South Korea and North Japan

Kim Jung-un, the Supreme Head Burrito of North Korea, has just declared war on U.S., South Korea, Japan, Australia, Moldova, Hawaii and toothpaste. In recent days Kim Jong-un has been increasingly frustrated that the U.S. is showing him disrespect by not unconditionally surrendering to him. In a statement on his Facebook page he states that he and his what army will crush the U.S. like a bag of chips (to which he seems addicted). He brags about the huge technological edge that North Korea holds over the rest of the world by showcasing a picture of his Radio Shack 286 computer (which experts agree was almost as powerful as a Commodore 64 which itself was half as powerful as a geriatric amoeba). In that picture Kim Jong appears to be sitting on a 5 dollar folding lawn chair behind a beat-up 1950s table staring intensely at his prized 1980s computer. Experts were not sure whether he was playing Pong on that coveted computer or if the computer had crashed and was displaying the blue screen of death. Those same useless experts could also not explain why the yellowed keyboard and mouse don't match, speculating that perhaps North Korean agents had bought the whole thing in a garage sale and it had taken them 20 years to smuggle it all the way to North Korea.

In his press release Kim Jong also brags about his standing army of starving old men in oversized WWII fatigues (an appropriate name for an attire that also describes how those old men feel). The soldiers appear to be menacingly wielding pocket knives, paper machetes, and half-eaten fortune cookies. But their most chilling weapon is their intercontinental ballistic toothpicks. Kim Jong threatens to launch thousands, if not hundreds, of those toothpicks whose warheads appear to be whatever his army could dig out from between their teeth after lunch.

As if not threatening enough, he brazenly flaunts his army of PhotoShoppers and warns that if forced he will unleash the full power of the prerelease bootlegged version of PhotoShop 1.0 which he downloaded from a virus stricken web site, after which North Korea's nuclear enrichment plant became infected and wet itself in the middle of the night. He also warned his hackers will make life a living hell for all Americans by sending millions of pencil enlargement spams to every mailbox. In addition, his cyber army will pretend to be a Nigerian prince wanting you to help him move millions of oil dollars out of Nigeria into your account.

And if America still continues not to bow down to his demands, he vows to start a massive land invasion through the sea in which his army will ride its donkeys to every American town, overwhelm the American tanks and make America his personal beach. He has already revealed once his paper kites pummel the American stealth fighters there will be no stopping him and you'll be very sorry.

Pentagon is already taking these threats very seriously and has sent Dennis Rodman as a warning to Kim Jong-un. Pundits postulate that is a clear message to North Korea that not only do we hold a rebounding edge over the South Asian Kermit kingdom, we have a clear advantage in body piercing and unnecessarily meaningless tattoos.

Part of Kim's chilling statement calls for "settling accounts" with the U.S. When asked, a statement department official, Henry McDimly, who asked his name to be withheld, said Kim is probably referring to the 50 dollars he thinks the U.S. owes him. According to McDimly, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitivity of the matter, Kim has been sending collection letters to the State department as well as making aggressive phone calls asking when he would be paid. McDimly, who lives on 1420 South Avenue in Washington D.C., would not admit or deny that one of those times when someone in the State Department took the call from Kim he may have accidentally told Kim to go fudge himself before slamming the phone so hard that Kim may have developed an overeating problem.

Right after the U.S. announcement that American stealth fighters have been dispatched to the Korean peninsula, Kim retaliated by sending its entire fleet of advanced stealth fighters to the U.S. He then bragged: "Our stealth fighters are so advanced they evade even your most advanced surveillance instruments. In fact, look up at the sky. Do you see anything? Yes, that's right... Those are our stealth fighters. You can't even see them. And while you're looking up there, you will also not see our flying aircraft carriers, destroyers, and submarines. Do you believe us now? Surrender yet?"